


Trying

by lonelyasacloud



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-26 06:57:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7564570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelyasacloud/pseuds/lonelyasacloud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Won't you stay alive<br/>I'll take you on a ride<br/>I will make you believe<br/>You are lovely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Will the wind blow him away?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really have anything to say,  
> just be careful if you're easily triggered by suicidal thoughts and acts and ideas,  
> and please tell me if you enjoyed this.

Josh climbed the rusty old ladder leading to the rooftop feeling lightheaded. Everything was too bright, too fast and too loud for him to take it all properly in. Maybe that was why he was making his way up there. Maybe he just wasn’t cut out for this life, maybe he’d stuck his head into the clouds for too long, maybe he wasn’t meant to make it past seventeen. He didn’t want to think about all that anymore. He just wanted it to end. He wished for numbness, for darkness, for nothingness and felt almost excited knowing he’d get to experience flying, truly truly truly flying in a few minutes.

So he kept on climbing whilst the wind roared around him. He knew what the rooftop looked like, he’d been up there before years ago with his younger sister, admiring the city from above, feeling invincible. Now he felt very much very vulnerable, but that is a good thing when you’re about to kill yourself, isn’t it?

As soon as he had hauled himself over the edge and stood upright on top of one of the highest buildings of the city, it was as if he’d broken through the surface of a giant, black body of water and he sucked the fresh air in greedily, spreading his arms. He had never felt this free before in his entire life.

The wind pressed his clothes against his thin frame and Josh looked up towards the sky, marveling at the beauty of the night and its stars and the smell of rain in the air. There was even a smile on his face, a real one for the first time in a long while.

“Hey buddy”, a voice suddenly cut through the peaceful silence, the words slightly distorted due to the wind.

Josh spun around and almost tripped over his own feet at the sight of a silhouette standing quite close to the edge opposite his own. He cleared his throat and blinked a few times, rubbing at his eyes.

“You here to jump?” the person asked and now Josh was one hundred percent sure the voice belonged to a boy even though it still sounded kind of strange, a bit husky and too high.

“Uhm, yeah. I guess?” Josh replied, unsure of how to treat this boy that was up here on _his_ rooftop that didn’t really belong to him at all, really, but tonight Josh felt like it did. Like it should.

“You guess? Well, you should know before coming up here. You might get blown off by the wind if you’re not careful, alright?”

“Yeah no, I do know. So yeah, I’m here to jump.”

“Fabulous. Good to know that you do know”, there was a hint of a smile in the boy’s voice, slightly too sarcastic for Josh’s likes.

“What about you?”

“Huh?”

“Why are you up here? You might get blown off by the wind if you’re not careful, didn’t you _know_ that?” Josh wasn’t really sure why exactly he was mocking the boy, but it made him feel good.

“Ha-ha. Very funny.” He didn’t say anything else for a while and Josh suddenly didn’t feel brave enough to repeat his question.

“I was up here to jump too, once. A long time ago actually, to tell the truth.”

“And did you?”

“You don’t seem to have ever heard of the word privacy my friend, but I’ll give you your answer anyway ‘cause why not? Yeah, I did.”

That stunned Josh. He certainly hadn’t expected this answer; maybe a long, sappy story about how the boy had realized that life was indeed worth living in the end and had made his way down to the ground climbing instead of flying, but not this.

“Is it not high enough?” Josh wondered aloud. He’d spent hours upon hours reading on Google about the easiest way to kill one-self and had finally decided to choose the method of jumping and then had searched carefully for a building high enough to do the job.

“Oh no, it certainly is! There’s no need to worry about _that_ ”, and the boy laughed, a short and dry and way too sarcastic laugh for such a serious topic.

Josh didn’t know what to reply and simply turned around, taking a few steps closer to his edge. He briefly wondered how on earth the boy could still be alive and up here with him if the building was in fact high enough, but then he shook his head clear of any disturbing thoughts and concentrated on the job at hand.

He only stopped when he heard soft footsteps approaching.

“Could you please leave me alone?” he asked without turning back around.

No reply.

“I’m not really up for a chat right now, if you hadn’t figured that out yet.”

He was standing right on the edge of the building, only one more step separating his body from the void. And suddenly, shockingly, there was a thin pair of arms wrapping around his torso.

He cried out in surprise and almost, _almost_ stumbled into the emptiness in front of him, but the boy used his own bodyweight to pull him down to the ground, to the safety of the building’s rooftop.

Josh tried to fight the boy off but his grip around him was like iron bars holding him down, holding him close and tightly and eventually he gave up.

“What do you want?” he asked angrily, his body stiff in the boy’s embrace.

“Don’t jump. Just don’t, okay?” the boy’s voice was trembling slightly and broke towards the end, still kind of too high and clear.

Josh didn’t reply for a few minutes. He allowed himself to relax, tense muscles easing against the boy’s body and the hard rooftop, breaths coming short and panicky nevertheless.

“You’ll be okay. Everything’ll be okay”, the boy started whispering empty sentences that still held so many promises into his ear, never loosening his grip on Josh.

And Josh started crying. How ridiculous, right? He couldn’t even begin to comprehend the situation he was in currently, laying on top of a random rooftop in the arms of a complete stranger, just moments away from flying through the air towards death. He’d kind of forgotten how strange the boy’s story was, his thoughts centered on himself and death and quiet and darkness and the void.

After a while his breathing finally calmed down and he stopped crying.

"Could you please let go of me now?” his voice was hoarse and raspy and sounded strangely unfamiliar to him.

“Will you climb back down with me?”

Silence.

“Will you?”

Josh sighed.

“Yeah.”

What else was he supposed to do?


	2. Grey Area

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh and the boy get to know each other better,  
> which means a lot because Josh doesn't know who the boy even is yet.

“Okay, and now what?” he asked in an unusually rude tone.

They had successfully made their way down the ladder and had exited the building and now Josh was leaning against said building, glaring at the boy pacing in front of him.

“What’s your name?” the stranger stopped in his tracks and turned to look directly at Josh.

“Joshua”, Josh replied quietly but aggressively, not willing to let the stranger call him by his nickname even though he usually very much disliked people calling him by his full name.

“Okay then, Joshua, my name’s Tyler.”

Josh raised his left eyebrow questioningly. It was good to finally know the boy’s name, but he still just wanted to either go home and sleep, or back up to the rooftop and jump. If the boy- Tyler- actually forced him to go home tonight, he’d just do it tomorrow, or the night after that one. He had time, and he didn’t really care, which was sad because that meant that he couldn’t even bring himself to care about his own date of death, but oh well. He couldn’t change anything about that, could he now?

“Right”, Tyler cleared his throat after a few seconds of silence.

“How about we go to my house and I’ll get you something warm to drink?” he then suggested. Josh almost laughed out loud at that but managed to compose himself for the time being.

“Sure, why not? I mean, it’s not as if I was just about to kill myself and don’t know you, like _at all_ , so yeah, let’s go!”

Tyler actually looked hurt by that and Josh felt bad for a nanosecond, but then remembered what exactly was happening here.

“I swear I’m not some sort of kidnapper or murderer or psychopath, alright? I just want to… talk to you for a while, I promise”, Tyler said in a calm voice and never broke eye contact with Josh, which was usually a thing Josh hated, but tonight Josh’s _usuallys_ didn’t really seem to apply.

“And I can make a mean hot chocolate, dude.”

Josh felt the smile tugging at his lips before he could even make up his mind about the offer and nodded sheepishly.

“Didn’t really have any other plans for tonight anyway”, he mumbled partly to himself and tucked his hands into the pockets of his sweater.

“That’s good to hear”, Tyler replied, his smile audible in his voice, and led the way.

Josh sort of trailed behind him awkwardly at first but caught up to Tyler after a while and managed to adapt his own pace to the other boy’s, feeling strangely at ease. Josh wasn’t the best at social interaction and loathed those awkward silences in between talks, but with Tyler, walking in silence was peaceful and felt completely normal. Josh decided to just trust Tyler and let his guard down after a few minutes of walking- even if Tyler did do anything bad to him, he was going to die tomorrow anyways, so what was the point? Maybe he’d even end up having one final good day after months of bad ones, who knew? Maybe Tyler was meant to meet him up there and make him feel better about life after all?

A quiet cough tore through the silence and the confusion of thoughts inside Josh’s head.

“D’you even _like_ hot chocolate?” Tyler asked just to say something, because he loathed those awkward silences in between talks and was worried about Josh getting caught up in whatever was going on in his mind right now.

“Yeah dude, of course. Who doesn’t?” Tyler laughed his nervous, high-pitched laugh and was surprised to hear Josh join in.

“Stupid question, ‘m sorry. I’m not all that good at talking to someone I just physically stopped from committing suicide.”

“But you are very good at stopping people from committing suicide, gotta leave it to you”, Josh was still smiling and still felt weirdly awake. His head was clear and not overwhelming as long as he concentrated on talking to Tyler.

“Thanks man, I appreciate that.”

And they continued talking about mostly idiotic stuff, just to pass the time, and when Tyler stopped him in front of what was presumably his house Josh was surprised at how fast they had made their way here. Tyler led him to a hammock in the very back of the house’s garden and asked him to please, please _please_ be as quiet as possible, then left to go get them the promised hot chocolate. Josh sat down and tried to keep his thoughts calm and collected, still kind of fazed because of the whole situation. But he had to admit, this Tyler-kid seemed to be a very nice person. If Josh was planning on staying alive for much longer than just a few days at the maximum, then he would be so so so freaking happy right now, having found a potentially cool new friend in Tyler, but since he just _wasn’t_ he tried to focus on staying right there, staying present and not getting lost somewhere in his own mind.

“I’m so proud of myself for not even spilling anything in the complete dark!” suddenly Tyler appeared directly in front of him, carrying two steaming mugs on a small tray.

“Why didn’t you just turn the lights on?” Josh asked him giggling and gratefully taking the offered mug. It was nice to have something warm to hold on to in the quite cold night. It wasn’t fully summer yet, so some nights were still frosty and this particular night had Josh subconsciously huddling deeper into his sweater.

“My parents are very, very light sleepers and well…”, Tyler’s voiced trailed off mid-sentence but Josh understood what he meant anyways: how do you explain to your parents that you’re just casually making hot chocolate for yourself and a stranger you just forcefully stopped from committing suicide in the middle of the night? So yeah, he got why Tyler didn’t turn on the lights. Josh laughed quietly to himself and then nodded just to show Tyler that he understood, taking a sip of his drink.

“Your hot chocolate really is quite something.”

“Right? That’s what I always say!”

And they both broke out giggling like stupid twelve-year-olds and found themselves not even caring about something as banal as that.

“So.”

“Yeah?”

“I suppose you now want to hear all about my… I-I guess you could call it suicide attempt? Do you?”

Josh awkwardly cleared his throat and forced himself to shrug, then opened his mouth to speak but Tyler interrupted him.

“Course you do”, Tyler laughed his hoarsely high-pitched laugh and took another sip.

Josh nodded timidly. He didn’t want to invade Tyler’s privacy because no one liked to talk about such things, but then again, Tyler had just forced him to not kill himself, so he could care less, really.

“It’s a friggin’ long story and you probably won’t believe me, but just listen to me, okay?”

And Josh gave him another nod, this time confident and self-assured.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really craving hot chocolate now.


	3. Suicide Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sundays hold a whole lot of meaning to Tyler.

Josh was surprised to see Tyler’s facial expression go from happy and smiley to serious, very focused and also kinda sad; as soon as he opened his mouth a slight frown appeared on his forehead that suddenly seemed as if it had always been there and _always_ would be.

“I’ll probably mess this story up quite a bit just ‘cause this is the first time I’ve ever told it to someone, but I’ll try my best”, Tyler spoke and even his voice sounded so different that Josh couldn’t help but feel a bit scared of what he was going to hear now.

“Y’know, when you asked me whether the building was high enough to kill or not, I wasn’t exactly being honest with you. I mean sure, I _assume_ that it is high enough, but I don’t know for sure. All I know is that when I jumped, I died. I died and woke up in my room on a Monday, feeling just fine. Actually, I technically don’t really know for sure if I died or not, but I think I did, otherwise everything that happened afterwards wouldn’t make any sense. So I tried to kill myself on Sunday the 14th of February 2015 and woke up alive and in my own bed on Monday the 15th. I didn’t have any injuries, like _at all_ , and sort of broke straight down and had a good old panic attack, obviously.”

Tyler stopped talking for a few seconds and Josh felt obliged to say something, but couldn’t think of anything that wasn’t totally out of place, so he reached for Tyler’s free hand and took it, too confused to realize what exactly he was doing. Tyler smiled, set their mugs down and leaned back in the hammock, pulling Josh with him.

“It’s too dark for you to see right now, but there were and still are those three black lines around my left wrist which definitely hadn’t been there before. I’ll show you tomorrow, but it looks just like every other tattoo, except that mine can’t be one, because I didn’t get it done, you know?”

Josh nodded slowly, feeling even more confused but simply trying to reassure Tyler. What the fuck had he gotten himself into? He loosened his grip on Tyler’s hand, but Tyler just held onto his, not letting go.

“Those three lines are the only proof of something strange having happened to me. I swear that I jumped off that roof, I really did, but I’m not sure why I’m still alive. Maybe God didn’t want to let me die, who knows? Maybe I’m just hallucinating, making all of this up and maybe I’ll just wake up in my bed on another Monday morning and be thirteen again? I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t, and I sound so fucking crazy, I’m so sorry for telling you but I was hoping you’d listen and believe me but I don’t even believe myself ‘cause I can’t ‘cause there isn’t anylogicbehindthisand-”

And Tyler’s voice broke at the end, and Josh could feel his hand shaking ever so slightly until the trembling overtook his entire body and loud sobs started escaping Tyler’s mouth.

Josh tried to shake his doubts off of him and pulled Tyler closer, wrapping his arm around him and resting his chin on Tyler’s shoulder so that he could whisper calm thoughts into his ear.

“I believe you, Ty, it’s okay, I promise”, was the one sentence he just kept repeating, unsure of what to say, kind of overwhelmed but also weirdly calm at the same time.

And Tyler did calm down enough for him to wriggle out of Josh’s awkward half-embrace and pulled his knees to his chest, resting his head on them.

“I’m sorry for crying, too”, he finally said and there was the slight smile in his voice again, just like it had been before he’d told his story.

“Don’t be. I’d freak out all the time if I was you.”

Tyler laughed quietly and then cleared his throat.

“So. You really do believe me?”

“I mean, I guess? Your story does sound really, really weird and slightly crazy to be honest, but why would you make it up? So yeah, I’m pretty sure I do.”

“Thank you. Sounds weird, but that means a lot to me.”

“Yeah well, no problem. Why were you up there tonight, though?”

Tyler shrugged and coughed, making the hammock sway and then laughed because of that, making Josh giggle too.

“We’re talking about suicide and are still laughing anyways, I don’t think that’s a good thing dude”, Tyler said still laughing but then pulled himself together and stopped.

“I feel kind of drawn to that rooftop, to answer your question. I like to go up there to think and look at the stars and just sit, especially on Sundays. It’s been over a year since that Sunday, so I don’t go there as much as I used to, but I still do every now and then. You’re the first one I’ve ever met up there though.”

“Good to know that my suicide-spot of choice isn’t very popular amongst people like us.”

“Yeah, right? We’re so unique and all that.”

This time their laughter was quiet and weak, both of them realizing how _late_ it really was.

“Aren’t you tired? It’s like, 4 am or something.”

Josh yawned and nodded sheepishly. He was so confused and overwhelmed by so many different emotions that he just decided to push the thought of killing himself into the darkest, most desolate corner of his mind for the rest of the night.

“C’mon, I’ll give you a ride home”, Tyler stood up and grabbed Josh’s hand again, leading him through the darkness of his backyard for the second time of the night. Josh didn’t even feel weird about holding Tyler’s hand; he was beginning to feel the exhaustion from the night’s events settling deep into his bones, his body becoming too heavy for him to carry along for much longer.

“I like your car”, he mumbled as Tyler shoved him into the passenger seat gently and then rested his head on the window pane.

“Thanks dude. I like it too, obviously.”

“Aren’t you tired too?” Josh asked as soon as he realized that Tyler was in fact driving, that Tyler’s eyes weren’t closed and that Tyler had managed to map out the way to the address Josh had given him all by himself, even without the help of Google Maps.

“I’m okay, don’t worry. We’re almost at your house anyways.”

“Already?”

“Yeah. Your house is pretty close to mine, actually.”

“That’s nice. I’ll stop by sometime, if that’s alright with you.”

Tyler hummed a soft response and got out of the car, opening Josh’s door for him because he had only just finished unfastening his seatbelt.

“Thanks for the ride, Ty. And for tonight. And maybe-but-not-really for stopping me.”

“Yeah, no worries man!” Tyler laughed and scratched his neck awkwardly.

“Um, h-here’s my number, by the way. Just in case you still want to talk to the crazy-stranger-from-last-night in the morning.”

Josh grabbed the offered piece of paper and gave Tyler a tired smile.

“Okay. I’ll text you. Good night, Tyler.”

“Sleep tight.”

Tyler waved, walked back to his car, waved again and then got into the car. Instead of driving home, he just sat there for a while, watching Josh unlock the front door and then the window in the top right corner of the house lighting up. He felt a rare kind of peace settling in his mind and let out a deep sigh of relief because he probably would be able to get a good night’s sleep for once now.

Oh, what a strange and special Sunday tonight had been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is too confusing,   
> but Tyler and Josh are (obivously) very confused about all of this too,   
> so it should be fine.


End file.
